It's been awhile, hasn't it?  Things have changed, and things have remained constant.  Though at the moment I'm finding myself battling against strange emotions that haven't emerged since those angst filled teenage days.  The exhibition is over, and life is beginning to take form here in Bexleyheath. Its a far cry from the previous years of the idyllic jersey life, but I must remind myself that life isn't about being passively experiencing it, it's about living it to the full, making all those dreams come to light. But this is where the problem lays (or lies..)... theres something in me thats holding back. that is full of fear of what is to come, because if i stay passive nothing will progress. but if i take an active role, i will have to take responsibility for my actions. and this leads me to the point.. i'm still a freightened immature human unwilling to grow up and honestely direct myself to what i truely desire.  moving to england was simple.  it lead to exciting and wonderful things, but 5 years on i need to realise the holiday is over and if there are possibilities around the corner i must search them out and expand the life i began those 5 years ago.  i need fearless progression.  i yearn for relevant work. i desire a life full of passion and wonder.

to catch you up on things, we now have 2 amazing cats living with us that we adopted a week ago from the RSPCA. I've been searching daily for art opportunities and jobs, now that the exhibition has ended. and trying to keep myself and archie from becoming too lazy.. and by lazy i mean staying in bed. i'm not sure if its the house, the area, or something external thats driving me a bit down, but its probably down to the point that even though we are near london, surrounded by people, opportunities, and anything a heart would desire, i still feel incredibly lonely and blind to the beauty that is still surrounding me in life.  i'm not crying myself to sleep every night, but i don't feel completely satisfied with how i'm dealing with myself and our new situation here in south london.  i just feel and know i lack any of the experience for the jobs i'm applying for and when i'm low like this talking myself up and embellishing my talents becomes a foreign language. 

i think its time to go out for a walk and see if i can't jump start myself.  that and see if the cats can cope being alone for an hour or so...

deep breath.

and also divisible by 2. or 12. or any multiple of 2. maybe. all simple maths aside, i have had a lovely birthday here in Venice. every little bit of this place just oozes atmosphere and history. and my secret desire for allyways (sp?) completely is fulfilled here as you can just walk through hundreds of them and not see anything remotely similar- unless you end up going in a circle like we did a few times. but we went over to the small island of Murano, which is where they make some pretty nice glass. and we also got followed by the cutest tabby cat- well i lie, i followed it first, and then when we continued walking and got to a dead end it pop up out of nowhere and rubbed around an iron fence. i don't think we will do a gondola ride... it seems a bit over the top... but we shall see, i mean Venice is the most touristy place i have ever been to that isn't Disney World. but unlike disney world, this is the 'real' world, and they have 'real' world prices. for example: we had a lovely afternoon snack provided by the local grocery store that consisted of some great cheese, a bottle of nice red wine, some bread, bananas, apples, and some other nibbles and all that came to the total of 15 euros, which was the same price as my first course was this evening at dinner! i like cities where you can find a nice small restaurant where you actually get what you pay for. and in venice, you have to pay three times the price to get anything worthwhile- at least at a restaurant.

eh. that was totally an archie-based rant. but Venice is totally worth the overpriced-ness. but i don't want to sit down here in this lobby anymore because the guy at the hotel desk won't stop speaking, and his constant italian speaking is making it hard to concentrate/stay calm. that and i would rather be upstairs in the room with the ying to my yang.

happy birthday to meeeeeee!

...and always has a firm embrace.  Bivouac is now returned to it's granite shell.  I am capturing the last moments Archie and I have here by filling my last DV tape with my impressionistic joy this place has bestowed upon me.   the tide will show you the way. the next step is always the hardest, but really is the most exciting.  these walls we have built around ourselves have been demolished and now it is to the builder inside to reconstruct the love of life around our beings.  bivouac, grouet, corbiere, and jersey will always been in my heart.  never shall i be a tourist in this realm.  i have entered, visited and nested between the granite and with years the rocks have warmed with our love.  those radiating rocks will never grow cold, as they were burning when archie and i entered them 3 years ago.  life is beautiful, and always changing.  i shall grab tight to the ebb and flow, and let it pull me towards the next entrance. 

so today has been just one of those days where i feel like a fly trapped behind a huge window.  buzzing around and around thinking that it will be easy to get out into the fresh air, but blocked by some strange transparant material that is double glazing.  this whole idea of 'moving' keeps throwing me onto this headbanging flight within my darkened subconscious.  one moment im full of hope and excitement of the things to come, then BAM i've hit my head on the window and fall back into this window sill of depression.  ridiculous metaphors are also a horrible side effect of these extreme emotions.  today though has been quite a big day of repeated headbanging, as potential 'new' tenants came around to view our Bivouac.  I dared myself to stick around and see what this banker husband and artistic wife were all about (how fitting, not much change there!), but when we came home from some errands to see our landlady standing outside i immeadiately knew i wouldn't be able to cope.  i said my polite 'hello and goodbye' to her, left archie to do all the necessary small talk and straightened up the house.  right as i finished and threw on my jacket to escape the reality of what was about to happen, two cars pulled up containing whoever and whatever inside.  quickly i rushed by face to the pavement, as i knew any direct eye contact with any of them would result in either an outburst of hatred or tears.  and as i passed my rock, it all just came pouring out.  it poured and poured until i could pour no more. 

i'm glad i did escape to my beach though... even if it would have been a positive experience to see and interact with these new people who have this hopeful and potential future in this amazing home, all i could think of is that my future in this cottage at this very point in my life is nonetheless.. over.  one door shut, and another more ominous one is open.  i think i have also come to realise that i put up a huge wall of overt optimism and hope at all times, probably as a defence to these harsh realities we create in this world, but when that wall is broken down it crumbles like a buscuit in tea.  because this cookie is crumbling, and its crumbling hard.  i guess i just need to throw myself back in the oven for awhile to stiffen up again. 

but right now, i must prepare my penultimate playlist for tonights new music night at La Motte Street.  its yet to be titled, but it will probably be something like:  'Songs That Make Me Less Sad To Leave, Part 1'